Losing Mum and Dad – Depression, Mental Health and Grieving

Aged 17 losing Dad to Lung Cancer and aged 21 losing Mum to Alcoholism, there’s no way I thought I’d ever get over the loss of my parents. I always said to myself, if my Mum died, I’d never be able to cope. My Dad tried his hardest to keep me at comfort by telling me everything, and preparing me for the day he finally left us, but with Mum, there was no preparation, so I was in denial that it would even ever happen.

With Dad, I didn’t really have any idea of how to grieve, I suffered with severe depression, I couldn’t hold a job down, the responsibility of taking over everything he had was just too much. I’d drink heavily, self harm, comfort eat, cry myself to sleep most nights and even attempted suicide three times. I had no tactic or way to distract myself from the hurt and the pain. I used to write him letters expressing how hurt I was, then feel bad for writing negative things and rip up the letter and start again and pretend everything was ok to make him proud. I hated myself at the time, he was a proud Dad, and the thought of him seeing me in that way just ate away at me daily.

I’m not sure I have ever got over the loss of my Dad, I’ve not tried, and I still hold his ashes to this day.

With Mum, I was in Birmingham at the time and received a phone call to say that she had been taken in to hospital and was in a bad way, she was an hour away in Wellingborough, so I made my way over to be with her. It was the worst I had ever seen her, she was frail and just looked straight through me, this hurt. It was as if she didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know what to do, wether to comfort her and show my true feelings, give her cuddles and tell her how much I loved her, or be angry and try to make her realise what she was doing to herself and her loved ones. I think I was in denial as much as she was.

Looking back now, I should’ve got help with how to deal with someone addicted to alcohol, I could’ve maybe helped her more.

The last day, she laid there on the hospital bed with a machine keeping her alive, there was nothing more that could’ve been done to save her. I just remember looking at the poor nurses and thinking they could do more and they could save her, but when they asked if we all felt ok with them ‘letting her go’ they just wanted her at peace. We couldn’t keep her in pain forever. I watched her take her last breath, with her sons and family around her. She looked beautiful, just as she always did.

Everything after that was a bit of a blur, I knew I had to distract myself this time and be as strong as I possibly could. There was a funeral to make perfect, I still had bills to pay, a house to run and to not let myself get to the point I did when my Dad passed away. I turned to photography, I bought my first camera, and just went out and photographed anything I could find. It was arty, and my Mum loved art, she’d have been proud.

Every night, it would hit me. When the world goes quiet and your in bed ready to switch off. I’d sob. My partner would comfort me the best he could and tell me to put the telly on to distract me, but I’d always be scared that there’d be something relatable come up and it would make it worse. So we turned to comedy. I’d have four choices that always made everything feel better. Jason Manford, Live at the Manchester Apollo, Michael McIntyre Hello Wembley, The Big Bang Theory or anything Lee Mack related. Anything to make me laugh would just work.

Now 8 years later, I still write Mum and Dad letters. I have two children to be the best Mum I can be to. And to this day I still use comedy to get me through hard times.

If anyone has lost someone they loved and are struggling to grieve, I will always be there to chat with or try my best to help the best I can.

Here’s a few contact details where you can seek help.

MIND – Help with Mental health issues and anyone struggling with addiction and Alcoholism

Sue Ryder – Help with Grieving

Please don’t just sit and hope the feeling will just go away, get as much help and support as possible, and surround yourself with positive people always!

What’s Going Through My Head Right Now!

So, I’m back!

This post is going to be super random, it’s an on the spot one, no planning, no pre shot pictures, literally just rolling out the camera roll.

It’s been a good few months, and Oh My God, things have changed! Let me fill you in before I crack on with my weird thoughts…

As most people know in 2017 I decided to take the plunge in to becoming a MUA. I’d been doing make up now and again since 2010 one shoots anyway, but never really thought about going pro. I did a course in 2015, started doing friends make up and here I am, with a budding and successful new business venture.

I have started having lip fillers by Jo Boyton, as my lips were one of my biggest insecurities. I plan to have another ml or more in June. I’ve had micro blading done by Laura Lou Gray, I went for the ombré style, this means hairstroke to shading .. I think? But on my god, I love my brows, and I hated them so, so much before.

Wedding photography bookings have more than quadrupled in the past 8 months, meaning starting from the end of this month, I’ll be shooting 2-4 weddings per week, and being part of couples biggest days of their lives. I’m happy with that!

What else has happened?! I have a new car! My Mini broke, I bought a dodgy BMW, now I’m in the soft top Audi club.

I have new hair! (Separate blog post coming up) but I’ve gone from black/grey to platinum blonde/grey, and I love it. All thanks to Hair By Jess…

Anyway, on with the thoughts…

I was doing the school run, and was looking around at all of the mums, just thinking ‘I wonder if they overthink things as much as I do’ So as I do, I spoke my thoughts and said to my friend Jess, I wish I wasn’t so weird, why can’t I just be one of these normal Mums’

They all look so normal! I wonder if they lay awake at night tossing and turning because they’re thinking too much and can’t shut down. I wonder if they ‘have’ to sleep on their partners side of the bed when they’re working night shifts because they might sleep better. I wonder if they iron every single piece of clothing in their household, or what if they don’t iron at all? Ya see, things like this bug me, and I find myself odd.

Do they look at me and think the same? Who even is normal these days and what is normal? I’ve had massive insecurity issues, and I’ll admit, I still do now, I still feel massively self conscious, but does everybody? To the extent that I do?

But then how do I feel insecure, if I can go three days out of 7 with wearing no make up at all, go to the shop with no bra on, pyjamas under my coat? Do other Mum’s do this?

I want so many answers to so many things. I want to know how to get rid of certain memories. And how to remember other memories for as long as I possibly can. Do other people struggle holding a full conversation when they have things on their mind, like I’ll just shut down, do a little mumble, agree and change the subject, people must think I’m a right sausage!

I honestly think I have about 4 people in this world that I can express my weird thoughts to, my besties and my fella, I know they’ll never judge, as much as I’m probably telling my readers right now and you’re all judging nine ways to Sunday haha! Maybe I’ll get some answers…

So there you go, I’m sure as soon as I post this I’ll think of more odd thoughts that I could’ve posted. Other than that, I’m happy and content at the moment, no drama, no negativity and no toxic people around me. I’m in happy land right now.

Peace out 💕

Hannah S.C x

Links

Microblading – Laura Lou Gray

Hair – Hair By Jess

Instagram – Hannah Smith Chilton

Wedding Instagram – Weddings By Hannah Smith Chilton

Contraception! How The Depo Injection Affected Me!

As a teen, I taken my first trip to the Brook clinic in Birmingham to see what contraceptive options were best for me. I was put on Microgynon, my mood and body was completely changing, but with all that was going on in my life at the time, I just supposed that it would be natural to be feeling down. Moving out at 15, losing my nephew to a hit and run, falling out with parents, it wasn’t the best of times. I would cry myself to sleep, I’d rapidly be getting podgy, my boobs had grown in to melons, I had no clue that it was actually the pill that was contributing more than anything. I stayed on this pill for around two years.
I then decided to take myself back to the clinic to question my symptoms, they changed me on to Celeste, this was a little better I suppose, I still had minor depressive times now and again, but only around once a month. I stayed on this until I was around 26-27 and after forgetting to take it now and again, I decided I needed a change to something I wouldn’t forget.


When it comes to contraception, I would never usually think about the effects it would have on my hormones, until the doctor said ‘lets try the Depo injection’ which you have in the arm or butt cheek every three months. I thought this will be great, I can crack on with life, not forgetting to take pills again! Wahooo…

Yeah.. I thought wrong. OMG! The anger and rage episodes, feeling emotional at the smallest things, the paranoia, the anxiety and self insecurities and not to forget the weight gain…again! I also had my first panic attack in 4 years the other day, this was the last straw and got myself straight on the phone to the doctor to see when I was due my next as I just could not wait to get this thing out of my system. So today is the 6th Feb and my next Depo is due on the 15th! Yayyyy …Although I will not be having a top up, time to look for an alternative. I’ve heard so many stories about depression and mental illness that certain contraception can cause, and I think more checks should be carried out on the patient before a pill or injection can be given out. I feel doctors etc don’t look in to the patients past deeply enough. I have plenty of past in my doctors notes that should have questioned them giving out such hormonal contraception.

 

So after this, I’m going to sit down at a clinic with a specialist to talk through every option and talk about my past issues with what I’ve been given instead of a doctor just giving me a fourth option and saying, “Lets see how you get on with this” 😦

I want to hear about your experiences on any sort of contraception, how it affected you and what did you do to change? Are you happy with the option you’re on now?

E-Mail me at Hannah@lsamanagement.com at any time or private message me through any of my social media channels. Lets find out from each other how it affects us, and not just how it’s been researched.

Follow me on –

Instagram

Facebook

Twitter

 

 

 

How I like to relax… 

My down time…
Usually appears around 7pm, i would have the children asleep by 6.30pm, then light a candle, pop on the Channel X playlist on Spotify, maybe kick back with a magazine and chill..

If I’m not listening to music, I’l be catching up on the Kardashians, i love my Kardashians! I like to make sure I don’t eat after 7pm too, if I do, it’s usually cheese to go with the odd glass of wine. Il have around 3 glasses a week, if I’m feeling awake enough by the end of the day, being up at 6am daily really isn’t my cup of tea! If I’m not drinking wine to chill out in the evening, I’m more of a squash girl, I hate hot drinks, so soft drinks are more my thing.

My new favourite candle by a mile has to be my new one from Imperial Candles… Not only does it smell beautiful, has two wicks and look gorgeous on my bedside table, but it also has a hidden piece of jewellery inside too which I can’t wait to see. Honestly, believe me when I say,  it smells AMAZING! 100 times better than my usual Yankee Candles too. 
A lot of people like to say a nice, home pamper session is their way of relaxing, I’d say that’s effort, and I’d much rather just lay, and do nothing! My cat always keeps me relaxed too, I love my Kitty cat 

So yeah, go relax, let tomorrow be tomorrow and just enjoy a quiet Now!

Follow me on Instagram