Losing Mum and Dad – Depression, Mental Health and Grieving

Aged 17 losing Dad to Lung Cancer and aged 21 losing Mum to Alcoholism, there’s no way I thought I’d ever get over the loss of my parents. I always said to myself, if my Mum died, I’d never be able to cope. My Dad tried his hardest to keep me at comfort by telling me everything, and preparing me for the day he finally left us, but with Mum, there was no preparation, so I was in denial that it would even ever happen.

With Dad, I didn’t really have any idea of how to grieve, I suffered with severe depression, I couldn’t hold a job down, the responsibility of taking over everything he had was just too much. I’d drink heavily, self harm, comfort eat, cry myself to sleep most nights and even attempted suicide three times. I had no tactic or way to distract myself from the hurt and the pain. I used to write him letters expressing how hurt I was, then feel bad for writing negative things and rip up the letter and start again and pretend everything was ok to make him proud. I hated myself at the time, he was a proud Dad, and the thought of him seeing me in that way just ate away at me daily.

I’m not sure I have ever got over the loss of my Dad, I’ve not tried, and I still hold his ashes to this day.

With Mum, I was in Birmingham at the time and received a phone call to say that she had been taken in to hospital and was in a bad way, she was an hour away in Wellingborough, so I made my way over to be with her. It was the worst I had ever seen her, she was frail and just looked straight through me, this hurt. It was as if she didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know what to do, wether to comfort her and show my true feelings, give her cuddles and tell her how much I loved her, or be angry and try to make her realise what she was doing to herself and her loved ones. I think I was in denial as much as she was.

Looking back now, I should’ve got help with how to deal with someone addicted to alcohol, I could’ve maybe helped her more.

The last day, she laid there on the hospital bed with a machine keeping her alive, there was nothing more that could’ve been done to save her. I just remember looking at the poor nurses and thinking they could do more and they could save her, but when they asked if we all felt ok with them ‘letting her go’ they just wanted her at peace. We couldn’t keep her in pain forever. I watched her take her last breath, with her sons and family around her. She looked beautiful, just as she always did.

Everything after that was a bit of a blur, I knew I had to distract myself this time and be as strong as I possibly could. There was a funeral to make perfect, I still had bills to pay, a house to run and to not let myself get to the point I did when my Dad passed away. I turned to photography, I bought my first camera, and just went out and photographed anything I could find. It was arty, and my Mum loved art, she’d have been proud.

Every night, it would hit me. When the world goes quiet and your in bed ready to switch off. I’d sob. My partner would comfort me the best he could and tell me to put the telly on to distract me, but I’d always be scared that there’d be something relatable come up and it would make it worse. So we turned to comedy. I’d have four choices that always made everything feel better. Jason Manford, Live at the Manchester Apollo, Michael McIntyre Hello Wembley, The Big Bang Theory or anything Lee Mack related. Anything to make me laugh would just work.

Now 8 years later, I still write Mum and Dad letters. I have two children to be the best Mum I can be to. And to this day I still use comedy to get me through hard times.

If anyone has lost someone they loved and are struggling to grieve, I will always be there to chat with or try my best to help the best I can.

Here’s a few contact details where you can seek help.

MIND – Help with Mental health issues and anyone struggling with addiction and Alcoholism

Sue Ryder – Help with Grieving

Please don’t just sit and hope the feeling will just go away, get as much help and support as possible, and surround yourself with positive people always!

Contraception! How The Depo Injection Affected Me!

As a teen, I taken my first trip to the Brook clinic in Birmingham to see what contraceptive options were best for me. I was put on Microgynon, my mood and body was completely changing, but with all that was going on in my life at the time, I just supposed that it would be natural to be feeling down. Moving out at 15, losing my nephew to a hit and run, falling out with parents, it wasn’t the best of times. I would cry myself to sleep, I’d rapidly be getting podgy, my boobs had grown in to melons, I had no clue that it was actually the pill that was contributing more than anything. I stayed on this pill for around two years.
I then decided to take myself back to the clinic to question my symptoms, they changed me on to Celeste, this was a little better I suppose, I still had minor depressive times now and again, but only around once a month. I stayed on this until I was around 26-27 and after forgetting to take it now and again, I decided I needed a change to something I wouldn’t forget.

When it comes to contraception, I would never usually think about the effects it would have on my hormones, until the doctor said ‘lets try the Depo injection’ which you have in the arm or butt cheek every three months. I thought this will be great, I can crack on with life, not forgetting to take pills again! Wahooo…

Yeah.. I thought wrong. OMG! The anger and rage episodes, feeling emotional at the smallest things, the paranoia, the anxiety and self insecurities and not to forget the weight gain…again! I also had my first panic attack in 4 years the other day, this was the last straw and got myself straight on the phone to the doctor to see when I was due my next as I just could not wait to get this thing out of my system. So today is the 6th Feb and my next Depo is due on the 15th! Yayyyy …Although I will not be having a top up, time to look for an alternative. I’ve heard so many stories about depression and mental illness that certain contraception can cause, and I think more checks should be carried out on the patient before a pill or injection can be given out. I feel doctors etc don’t look in to the patients past deeply enough. I have plenty of past in my doctors notes that should have questioned them giving out such hormonal contraception.

 

So after this, I’m going to sit down at a clinic with a specialist to talk through every option and talk about my past issues with what I’ve been given instead of a doctor just giving me a fourth option and saying, “Lets see how you get on with this” 😦

I want to hear about your experiences on any sort of contraception, how it affected you and what did you do to change? Are you happy with the option you’re on now?

E-Mail me at Hannah@lsamanagement.com at any time or private message me through any of my social media channels. Lets find out from each other how it affects us, and not just how it’s been researched.

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Learning to love myself, being body positive and defeating negative people.

2017 has been one of the most positive new years for me, I have never had so much ambition for a year ahead. I set a goal, to gain confidence mostly. No matter where I go, who I meet I would say 1 in 7 of the people I meet are super negative, and I used to be one of them. 

I can’t stand bitchyness, people who bodyshame, people who put down others who they barely even know. It seems to be people who have issues of their own, therefore they make out that other people are worse of than them in a way. I suppose it makes them feel better and gives them a boost in life. 

Well this is wrong! If you’re one of those people, you need to re-look at those people, and look at yourself. How are you that different? We aren’t! There are 7.5 billion people in the world, and you and me are just a couple of them. We’re all human, different shapes, sizes, names, genders, sexualities. It doesn’t matter what we have, we should learn to love and support each other, as we are not going to live forever. 
This brings me to my school days. Without knowing, I would say I was minorly bullied, being told more than once a day I looked different because I chose to have short hair. Being called big nose…I’d go home and get stressed out in more ways than one.. Get in to situations I won’t go in to. 

Then along came social media, where you can show yourself to the world in anyway you want to. People love following trends. Those pictures of stunning girls plastered all over Instagram that we follow daily for inspiration. I’m not gonna lie, I can sit and look at Mini Instagram videos for hours, Watching make up tutorials but the majority of the girls have had lip fillers, and this has lowered my confidence even more, so now I feel like I now need fillers…I shouldn’t feel like that but thats my own insecurities. 

My nose has played a big issue in my life since I was 15, I am always conscious about it since it was mentioned to me amd still is…I laugh it off, but the next time I look in the mirror, I’ll be trying to see the size of it from every angle haha! There I go laughing it off again…

Anyway, my point is…I am learning to not give a f### about peoples opinions on myself. They’ll have forgot about what they said less than two seconds later. If they know they have brought you down, they’ll be smiling forever more. No hater will ever get a response from my strong ass self…and I think that goes for everyone. Dont let other peoples bother you. Don’t dampen someone’s success. 
Let’s love ourselves, I am, and I’m loving it! 
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Living in England

So born in Sutton Coldfield, I was born in to a happy home with my Mum and step-father in A little place called Streetly, life was good, lovely big home, big garden for me to play football in, great school life. It was kind of a village, but more built up. I wouldn’t quite call it village life. 
At the age of 9, my mum and step-father separated, so me and my mum moved. We went a mile and a half down the road to an area called Great Barr. It was OK, but more busy, and I didn’t like it as much as where I was bought up.

As the weeks, months, years went on, I made friends, understood that I could still school in Streetly (luckily) and still stay friends with the same kids. I’d ride my bike up to Streetly, catch the bus or walk, stay out until late at night, sit outside the butchers in the street just chatting until it was time to catch the bus home. 

All of this felt safe enough, I was mugged once of my phone and necklace my dad had bought me, but soon got over it and carried on. 
It was also safe for me at 15 to catch a train from Birmingham to Leicester alone, it still feels that way, as I’m seeing kids much younger travel from place to place alone. I often look at kids that age and wonder if I really looked that young back then…
Anyway, back on track..so I was then 15, me and my mum wasn’t getting along, and it became apparent I should move in with my Dad. I moved to a small town in South Birmingham called Shirley. This felt OK, again, much different to the previous two places I’d lived, but sure I’d adapt soon. 

I did, my dad still drove me 13 miles to school and back, he’d pick me up from my friends in the evening, and I even got a job cleaning a hotel…

Again, theres always a nobhead to ruin your great experiences and throw snowballs at you unexpectidely…as they were children, you cant really throw back just incase the snowball has a pebble in and you end up going down for murder…so “f*** off you little s***” seemed more appropriate.
Anyhow, again, circumstances arose, and I ended up moving to Leicestershire with my boyfriend. We lived way into the countryside in a lovely bungalow in Woodhouse Eaves, Loughborough.  It was stunning out there, cottages everywhere, a lovely little pub, with cowhide seats and the smell of a burning log fire, even in the summer nights, I’d move back tomorrow if I had the chance.

 
A lot of Leicestershire is completed by gorgeous countryside and villages, ive lived in Blackfordby also, a bit too quiet for me, but again a beautiful location. 
Moving again, 2 hours down the road to a town called March in Cambridgeshire, at the age of 24, I could appreciate different places more than I used to. We lived right on the river Nene, I’d be sat in the living room watching the boats go by, and the cyclists going past on their little bikes with baskets on. All felt a bit strange, I felt this was completely different to living in the Midlands. I loved it here. 
Two years on, we moved again, yes…again! Just a 15 minute drive down the road to a tiny village called Manea. Now this was a gamechanger, it had one small, overpriced village shop and a little pub..I struggled to adapt. It was also oil ran instead of gas, which was all a bit odd too. We have a tank in our back garden that you could only describe as a round submarine with no windows. After two years of living here, I’m now comfortable. The village school is great, Ive made lots of great friends, and tge country views are to die for. Perfect for running! Manea kind of reminds me of one of those American films, where people go storm chasing and the land is completely flat for miles. 
I’l pop some links below to some of the areas I’ve lived in..some good, some bad… 

• Streetly
• Great Barr
• Shirley
• Woodhouse Eaves
• Blackfordby
• March
• Manea

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Love, 
Hannah SC x